The Rules To Be Known
To Become a Real Programmer

• Real Programmers aren't afraid to use GOTO's
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• Real Programmers can write 5 page long DO loops without getting confused
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• Real Programmers like arithmetic IF statements -- they make the code more interesting
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• Real Programmers write self-modifying code, especially if it can save 20 nanoseconds in the middle of a tight loop
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• Real Programmers don't know their wives's name; they do know, however, the entire ASCII code table
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• Real Programmers don't write specs. Users should consider themselves lucky to get any programs at all and take what they get
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• Real Programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to read
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• Real Programmer's programs never work the first time. But if you throw it into the machine, it can be made to work in "only a few" 30-hour sessions
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• Real Programmers don't write in Pascal, COBOL, Ada or any of those pinko computer science languages. Strong typing is for people with weak memories
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• Real Programmers think structured programming is a communist plot
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• Real Programmers don't use APL, unless the whole program can be written on one line
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• Real Programmers like vending machine popcorn. Coders pop it in the microwave; Real Programmers use the heat given off by the CPU. They can tell what job is running by listening to the rate of popping
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• Real Programmers only use a Direct Memory Editor to build a program. They only use an assembler if they wrote it themselves
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• Real Programmers don't work 9 to 5. If any Real Programmer is around at 9 AM, it's because he was up all night
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• Real Programmers never get annoyed by security systems; they turn off the RACF bits and leave unsigned messages in the security data sets
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• Real Programmers don't know how to cook. Grocery stores are not open at 3 AM. They survive on twinkies and coffee
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• Real Programmers don't draw flowcharts. Cavemen drew flowcharts and look what it did to them!
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